50 Shades of Dark

Blackhole

Straight up-this is probably going to the hardest thing I’ll probably have to write in my entire life. It is hard to write it, type it, even look at it on print. It is something I NEVER thought I would have to go through and I’m not entirely sure how much of it I will be sharing.

It would be impossible for me to try and put it down in one post. I will have to post what I feel necessary, bit by bit.

Here goes.

(Don’t judge me bitches)

I am struggling with postpartum depression. I honestly never thought I could ever say that out loud, publicly even-but I am. This battle has made me feel like a failure, a loser, unworthy, a terrible Mother/ Wife/ Friend/ Daughter/ Sister.

No one wants anyone to see their dirty laundry. Nobody wants to be the topic of someone’s discussion and I cant think of a single soul that wants to be judged.  But, I’ve decided that in an attempt to fix myself I have to face this beast head on. I hope you can support me through this journey, and speak to me privately if you had any questions or concerns pertaining this matter.

I don’t even know where to start.

I am currently on medication to help deal with this, and so far so good. My depression is about my self-acceptance and the changes I had to make for this new lifestyle called Motherhood. I never had any ill thoughts about harming my family, but yes, I did have suicidal thoughts.

It’s hard  because you feel so alone and you feel like no one can understand what you are going through. Not my mother, not my friends, not my husband (of whom I’ve known since I was 15)!

Alas, there are good days where I would  ascend from this pit and everything would be fine. But that is my struggle. Because everything would be fine and out of nowhere I feel defeated and I’m back in this really, really dark place. Now that I am on meds, it feels like it’s been awhile- but you never know. After all, its really recent that I had only started taking them.

I guess I can conclude this post by saying this has been the scariest shit I had ever had to write down. I’m trembling at just the thought of posting this public, but I said I would do it. This is it for now. Until next time.

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