50 Shades of Dark


Today I don’t know if I’m angry or sad.

I feel like in order to get better I need to “take care of myself”. But the problem is I don’t know how.

The clothes I used to enjoy dressing myself in no longer fit, or look the same on me. The desire to buy new things has gone out the window since  the stuff I used to like, my taste in clothes-just doesn’t suit me anymore. So I don’t have one now. I never even had to try things on before. I just looked at it and knew. Now, I have to try it on at least three times,look at every angle to see if it looks good- or if it at least fits. Everything is now either just really loose, or too tight. I will look like I’m wearing curtains or a tomato wrapped in rubber bands. Just put anything on then. Whatever anyone gives me.  Alright, I guess I’ll have to stick with maternity clothes.

Maybe if I put on nice shoes, I’d feel better! Yeah, that’s a start!!! Oh wait…All my shoes no longer fit me. My feet grew after pregnancy and I literally cannot fit into any of my shoes. There goes the shoes I barely wore right before I got pregnant…Should I get new ones? I can’t. Because I can’t even walk in heels anymore. I was able to dance and run in 5 inch heels and now I will do a complete face plank if I try anything with a heel.

What’s next. Make up. I LOVE makeup! Finally, I can use these countouring skills to work! Yaaas. Makeup on fleeeeeek. 

But wait…

Oh..A stranger just asked if I was expecting my second…

 A person I havent spoken to in awhile commented I gained weight… 

..This person I haven’t seen in awhile didn’t even recognize me in public. I called out to her and she didn’t know who I was u til she saw my baby. 

I guess no amount of makeup can hide these chins…My arms..My legs..I’ll try hiding behind my sense of humour.

It’s eating at me slowly though.

I never had to put so much effort before and now no matter how much time I put into preparing myself I still look like a piece of lard covered in some grandma style type of clothing.

What’s the point? I need to make sure my baby gets everything he needs first. By the time he is sleeping I’m tired. I can’t feel good even if I shower. So what’s the point. 

I feel trapped inside of me. I look at the mirror and someone else is staring back at me. “Who the fuck are you and when can you fuck off”, I constantly ask myself. I’m not taking pictures of this stranger. Where am I.

I feel sad. I need chocolate. And bacon. And a hamburger. I didn’t buy any of that. I guess I can make something.

I feel disgusting. I feel guilty. What the fuck am I doing. How am I gonna get better. I gotta “take care of myself”. But how.


One thought on “Reflection

  1. Oh girl.. I’ll tell you one thing…been there done that! I’m a mother of a very energetic and very opinionated 6 year old boy and there are still moments where I feel lost,(don’t get me wrong.. I love him to death) Fortunately they are just moments. I remember being in the dark for years except I didn’t really know it until I ended up in the hospital. I had mastered covering it up. All I knew that I had to do back then was feed my baby, change my baby, bathe my baby and you know all that mommy stuff we need to do. And when it was time to go back to work, it was work, mother time and back to work. I had lost myself and didn’t even know it. Three years later I was in the hospital and was diagnosed with generalized anxiety and depression and had lost almost 20 pounds in just 3 weeks from not being able to eat. If I had known what I know now back then, I would’ve never had taken antidepressants. (although at that time it did help)
    You’re not alone and when all seems lost I can assure you that with the right guidance and resources, there is light at the end of the tunnel. ☺️


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